How to Find a Hookup Now That The Cove is Closed

Ah, yes, the watering hole (via puzzlehouse.com)

If you’ve been to a party on campus recently, you may have noticed that students are staying at the venue longer. Instead of the twice-weekly migration to the watering hole known as the Cove, students are forced to socialize without the explicit intent of hooking up with someone into the wee hours of the morning. Now that clocks no longer strike Cove o’Clock, we have no way of knowing whether the person we’re talking to wants to touch tongues or is just being nice. There’s an easy solution, you cry, just ask! Wrong. Instead, I’ve compiled a list of ways to find a hookup now that the Cove is closed.

The Monday Catchup

It’s like a scene from “Where’s Waldo?”

Good Morning Kenyon! Hope y’all had a great sprrrraannnggg breakkk. It’s that time when students flee the bleak Ohio vastness and seek out sunny locales to partake in much debauchery! Here’s some reflections on break, the changes to Kenyon while we were gone, and

“Wait, was The Cove even real? Maybe, it just sublimed, and once it cooled, it solidly deposited in our memories.”

Battle Royale: The Mac and Cheese of the Village

nsfw

It’s late. It’s windy. You’re cold, hungry, and maybe a little drunk. You’re ready for a good snack, but the family size salt and vinegar chips aren’t doing it for you tonight. You want something warm. You immediately think: cheese. But warm cheese. Warm cheese on noodles. Warm cheese on little tiny curved noodles. You have a moment of clarity and think: where? Should you wait 45 minutes for wedges from the Cove? Or should you slum it and steal a pack of easy mac from your roommate? The questions begin to pile up. You become overwhelmed and just decide to call it a night. You fall asleep with an empty stomach and a withering sense of purpose.

You’ll never have this problem ever again. We fought the good fight, tasted every single type of mac and cheese on this campus, and come to you with the definitive ranking of best m&c this village has to offer. We (namely, I) call it, the Tour de Mac and Cheese. Below are our findings.

PSA: Don’t Lie to the Cove Guy

We’ve all told our friends, bosses and parents one specific little white lies: That we’ll “be there in a minute,” when in reality we are a good five to ten minutes away. It’s understandable.We hate to disappoint our employers and loved ones. But, as I found out recently, whether or not you tell the truth can be the difference between a good or bad night for your friendly neighborhood Cove delivery guy.

The Cove’s All-You-Can-Eat-Fish: A Mystery Unveiled Through Photographs

 

I know what you’re thinking, dear reader, it need not be said. I, too, have sat on my easy chair, legs extended onto the plump ottoman, and thought to myself, “I love Cove fish, but there’s never enough of it.” Let me tell you, there’s a way to get your fill. Oh yes there is.

My journey began three years ago. As a young pup with bright eyes and eager salivary glands, I was brought to Our Noble Grill by one of my elder fraternity brothers. We proceeded to eat a glut of rich, luscious spaghetti that would put your Nonna Lucia’s to shame (she does make a lovely agnolotti though. Admittedly, I’ve enjoyed many a Sunday afternoon in her home, savoring it). That day marked my introduction to the Cove specials, a veritable bounty of sumptuous value. That dainty Wednesday treat whetted my appetite. But after examining their offerings, the object of my affection shifted to the elusive Friday night Fish Fry. I finally satisfied my lust this past Friday. Come see what it held in store..